I survived the first night living in a barn.  It may be my “home” for the next 6 months or so.

I started a new job recently.  It’s 3 hours from home/Decatur so I’m spending 4-5 nights a week in the new town and 2-3 nights back in Decatur on weekends.  I own a home in Decatur that needs some more repairs before I can sell it and I need cash flow to make the repairs.  Quite the conundrum.  So, to save money I am living in a room in a large arena.  It has a small shower, toilet, sink, fridge and microwave.  The bed is on a bed frame that is the wrong size and without cross support so it shakes and shifts whenever I move.  Life can be an adventure even in bed.

It certainly makes one stop and think when living in a barn.  I step outside and the ground is covered with dirt and smells like horse manure.  It smells like those places that hold moisture.  It strips down the niceties of life to some core elements.

I admit I cried last night.  Frustration from the lack of sleep.  Frustration from putting together a bed frame that doesn’t fit or work right.  Frustration from floors with dirt so deep it may never come up.  Frustration that this room isn’t my spacious home.  Frustration that I am away from my son, away from the people who are close to me, who are my support system and trusted advisors, away from everything I have known for the last 18 years and in a place where I know no one in a town so small there is nowhere to go at night besides the Subway and a BBQ joint.  I am alone and things just are not going my way.  Or so it seems…

My mind shoots off to the homeless guys I used to work with in Denton.  Preston, Mikey, Wendell and Chris.  I wonder where they slept last night.  I wonder where the person who just became homeless and doesn’t know the ropes slept last night.  I wonder what they will eat today and where they will get out of the cold.  I wonder if they will ever get a job.  I wonder how happy they would be in my little room.  I wonder how many people they would jam in it to stay warm.  I wonder how they would feel to have a shower this morning, a cold bottle of water at reach.  I wonder how they would feel knowing they could come to work, grab a cup of warm coffee and make a few bucks.

Jesus Calling was the first shot that hit me broadside today.  It started off like this, “Make me the focal point of your search for security.  In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe.  Not only is this an impossible goal, it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth.”

I have to admit, I don’t want spiritual growth right now.  Oh, sure I want it on the surface.  I want it handed to me.  I’ve been on a journey for so long that has led to real spiritual growth and it has been a HARD journey.  (Isn’t that typically the case?  Isn’t that what Jesus Calling says today?)  It’s been a 10+ year journey and I’m tired.  Psalms 23:4 says I can walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and God is with me.  I’m just so ready for green pastures and still waters.  I want to live a life of ease for awhile.  Maybe that’s wrong but I’m ready for the road to be easier.  I wonder whether that can happen on this earth.  It seems like other people have it easier but I don’t really know.  I’m blessed with incredible kids and incredible people in my life.  Maybe that is my green pastures.

These thoughts will be continued.  I heard a song this morning that is haunting me and want to introduce it into this discussion.

Grace and peace.